I think this might be the worst holiday of my life

Act 1: Sevenoaks - London - Paris - Stuttgart - Venice

We spent our Easter holidays interrailing with our two children, age 11 and 9.

On paper, a fairly straightforward route over 9 days, made complicated by the Mensa Test that is the Interrailing website, and the fact that I was stubbornly ignoring all advice on all internet forums ‘not to try to do too much in a short time’.

I will present my findings in two Acts, as it is an epic odyssey, with several changes in fortune. If I put all of it in one post I think my newsletter would implode under the weight of emotion.

Sevenoaks station 05.25 am. Where the adventure begins.

In Act 1, I will share with you 10 things I have learned from taking two children to Venice by train.

1. INCENTIVISE

If your child seems reluctant to embark on a mother’s wild quest to see Europe by train, this can be alleviated by the promise of:

1. their own wheelie case

2. a modest amount of spending money

3. descriptions of European sweets (Pez etc)

A word of warning though. A child’s memory of what you promised may wildly differ from what you actually promised.

My friend Sasha told me that her daughter Cicely told her that my daughter had told Cicely that she was going to get TWENTY QUID for every new country we visited, and that we would be changing countries EVERY FOUR HOURS.

I mean she wasn’t far off the speed of travel, but she was way off the pocket money promise.

2. PLANNING IS LAUGHABLY UNNECESSARY

I spent, I’d estimate, 40 hours planning this trip. 10 international train journeys - some of them UNESCO renowned! - across 5 countries.

3 of those journeys went as planned. Three.

For this first leg to Venice, I hadn’t factored in two important variables:

Deutsche Bahn: A rail company that likes to transport its customers using all modes of transport, aside from rail.

London - Paris went beautifully. We had two hours in Paris, during which our children made a friend in the playground, and we ate a picnic by Canal St Martin. Gosh we’re naturals, I thought.

The journey to Stuttgart started well. We were on time! A l’heure!

I don’t think this train goes to Stuttgart, said Steve, after about an hour.

Let’s ask.

Ah. It’s terminating in… where??

From where we will get a RAIL REPLACEMENT BUS to… Pforzheim?

We took a photo of us all looking optimistic at Karlsruhe Station, and I will share my favourite element of this photo with you: The man we accidentally caught in the background who summed up the feelings we were all so valiantly suppressing:

Not a fan of Karlsruhe

Ah Pforzheim! I said cheerfully. Steve - haven’t I always said we should see Pforzheim!

There was no space on the bus to sit, so we sat on our cases in the corridor, played Thumb Wars, and looked at charming wooden German houses whizzing by, and pretzel signs hanging above the bakeries.

Sometimes we got to do this more than once as the driver didn’t seem to know where Pforzheim was.

We were on the bus so long, my daughter started playing Thumb Wars with other passengers, and made another new friend. We swapped numbers.

By the time we got to Pforzheim we were not broken. We still didn’t snap when we discovered the Deutsche Bahn train staff had barricaded themselves into a locked ticket office and refused to let anyone talk to them.

We were not broken when the platform train displays contradicted all the websites.

We were not broken by deciding to take a taxi to Stuttgart before everyone else decided to do the same, costing us €113.

Look how pleased we were to get to Stuttgart! What an adventure! We got a text from our new bus friends to say we’d made the right choice, as every single train had been cancelled and they were now all fighting to the death for taxis out of Pforzheim.

This photo was taken 45 seconds before we discovered…

What I can only assume was a practical joke from OBB Nightjet, who replaced our charming 4-bed sleeper compartment that we’d handsomely paid for, with a carriage with ONLY SEATS.

For a 12 hour journey from Stuttgart - Venice.

This was due to a vague, and only slightly apologetic, ‘technical problem’.

It was indeed, technically, a problem.

It was one of the hardest parenting moments of our trip, explaining to our children who had been on 4 trains, 1 bus and 1 taxi, and would quite like to be tucked into the lovely little bed they’d been promised, that we would now be having a COSY TIME IN A CARRIAGE! instead (quick panic rebrand)

As we were brushing our teeth in the tiny toilet cubicle, my daughter said, quite matter of factly: I think this might be the worst holiday I’ve ever been on.

Then she said, Mum are you alright? as I was snort-laughing into my frothing toothbrush.

3. IF VENICE IS YOUR DESTINATION YOU WILL INSTANTLY FORGET ALL TRAUMA

I have never been to Venice before, and if I could boldly recommend the best way to arrive, I’d say it’s by train, after you have triumphantly made a crap train carriage into a temporary family home through an enormous amount of imagination, snacks, and befriending of stressed train staff who are being shouted at by all the other passengers, and are so relieved that you’re nice that they give you bottles of Coke and extra blankets.

Leaving the mainland at dawn and crossing the Ponte della Liberta with the water lapping on either side of the train, and the golden domes of Venice swooping into view, was no less than stunning.

You walk out of Santa Lucia station and instantly there is Venice laid out before you in the warm morning sun like a film set. The Grand Canal is right there - metres in front of you - with vaporettos chugging past. We all gasped. I had a little cry.

4. 12 HOURS TRYING TO SLEEP ON A SEAT CAN ALTER YOUR APPEARANCE

You don’t look like your Airbnb profile said Martina, as she showed us round our Venetian apartment.

She didn’t go quite so far as to add in her excellent English, You look like a corpse! but hey she may as well have.

Airbnb Vibes vs Night Train Chic

5. HOW TO ARRIVE AT ST. MARK’S SQUARE IN STYLE

Have very little sleep, a hot shower and a mug of Yorkshire Tea (teabags brought from home).

Notice the children are fighting.

Propose: Race Across Venice!

I have a track record of poorly executed ‘fun’ walk rebrands, but this one was actually a triumph.

We split into two teams! Me and our daughter vs Steve and our son. We had to race to the Lion column in St. Mark’s Square, but on the way we had to photograph some key items, including:

Someone waving to you on a boat

Cannoli

Fun graffiti

Then you had to get to that column! Both teams arrived in the square at the same time, from different ends, and, through some careful engineering from Steve and me, it was miraculously A DRAW!

What a way to enter this showstopper of a square - with a phone full of pictures and four hearts pounding - and reunite two siblings.

6. SOME FOOD IS BETTER THAN OTHERS

I wasn’t prepared for the disappointment that is Venetian cuisine. Quite possibly I got this wrong, but we tried to go to local places off the beaten track, and kept having quite weird meals.

The children tolerated things that would have sunk Small Annabel into a 24 hour sulk. We plugged the hunger gaps with cannoli filled with chocolate or vanilla cream, and incredible blood oranges from the Rialto market.

We discovered:

• No one likes raw sea bream.

• No one likes raw shrimp.

• Only I like sardines with polenta.

• 3 out of 4 of us like tiramisu. We bought a large one to share, and our daughter ate 75% of it while we all struggled to keep up, leant back in her chair and exhaled in a dissatisfied voice, I don’t really like tiramisu!

• Cichetti (Venetian snacky bruschetta) are a dangerous gamble. It might be something pleasing like mortadella with a blob of cream cheese. Or it might be something that looks innocuous but is actually STINKY DEATH FISH.

• The Rialto market was lots of fun to browse. They sold the most incredible tomatoes, salad leaves, radishes and blood oranges that supplemented all our picnics, and nearby Farini sold sumptuously topped focaccia that was being divided, shaped and baked in front of us.

• We ALL love gelato, and the best we tried was Nico’s after a heavenly early morning vaporetto ride along the length of the Grand Canal.

7. EVERYTHING IS EXPENSIVE EXCEPT APEROL SPRITZ

Well, if there was only going to be one bargain on this trip, this was a good one. Go on then, I’ll have another one.

8. AND THE BEST PLACE TO DRINK IT IS CAMPO SANTA MARGHERITA

While your children make friends and play football with them for an hour. This was my happiest point of the trip so far.

9. I’M PAINTING OUR HOUSE BRIGHT ORANGE WHEN I GET HOME

We went to Burano by boat; one of the nearby islands, and spent a glorious afternoon wandering around the colourful houses and drinking cold drinks in the heat. It was the first day of 2024 that I took my cardigan off outside, and in the giddiness of the moment I vowed to paint our house bright orange.

10. DO TRY AND DO TOO MUCH

Ignore the naysayers! We did SO much in three days in Venice and I wouldn’t change it. As long as you have a few lazy stretches on a waterboat, molto gelato, and strategically spaced souvenir purchasing, everyone is going to stay happy.

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So, Act 1 started with a 5am alarm; climaxed with the ultimate holiday condemnation from a tired 9 year old in a toilet cubicle on a train speeding through Western Germany; and was revived by the magic of a floating city, and hearing the ice clinking as your second Aperol approaches the table and your children play in the evening sun.

Click here to read Act 2: Venice - Milan - Tirano - St. Moritz - Zurich - Paris!